ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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