you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
no you cant smoke seaweed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize