I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
