Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Someone shattered a urinal.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
