just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize