jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
