just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
