Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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