we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
