What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
