I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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