Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
