Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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