dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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