Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize