i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
