Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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