got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
