Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
