You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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