So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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