Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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