I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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