What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
