Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
