Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
