i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize