where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
