If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
