Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's shark week go big or go home
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
