I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
so much tequila, so little girl.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
