i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
