My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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