ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
