I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
