I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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