I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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