Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
