areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My hand turned me down
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize