I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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