im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
