I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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