Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We don't watch enough power rangers
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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