I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
