I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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