I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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