I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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