When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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