Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
