Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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