Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
