Well douche your snatch and let's go!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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