dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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