He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
