I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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