I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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