Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
