I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
