Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
tell me about the eggs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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